Local pastor focuses attention on four steps everyone can take
By Andra Bryan Stefanoni
THE MORNING SUN
There are four steps every person can take to improve relationships with others, the Rev. K.O. Noonoo, Pittsburg Presbyterian Church, said. But typically we are doing only two of them.
And because of that, our relationships tend to include elements of violence, in ways both big and small, obvious and not so obvious.
The misconception of violence, Noonoo said, is that it is entirely physical - a husband coming home after a bad day, drinking, and hitting his wife, for example.
"It can be as simple as the tone of your voice when talking with another person, or the labels you choose to use when talking about that person," he said. "That's what it begins with, and then it can escalate."
Likewise, another misconception of violence is that it is between spouses.
"It could be a parent to child, or co-worker to co-worker, or neighbor to neighbor - any relationship," Noonoo said.
It all begins with communication - specifically, non-violent communication.
What is non-violent communication?
It includes words that are alienating to the person we're communicating with, including words that imply wrongness, words that label others, words that minimize choice and respect for other's autonomy, words that deny one's responsibility for actions taken, and words associated with the concept that certain actions merit reward/punishment (i.e. she "deserves.").
"Non-violent communication has to do with things that are at the very core of all of our relationships, both interpersonal and intrapersonal," Noonoo said. "Perhaps violence in relationships begins because we are more violent to ourselves, beating ourselves up mentally and emotionally, and then that spreads and is projected to others in the way we communicate."
Non-violent communication and its benefits to personal relationships and society as a whole is something Noonoo is making a mission to bring attention to among his congregation and the community, particularly as it relates to domestic violence.
He draws his inspiration from the Rev. Martin Luther King, who preached non-violent resistance as a means of achieving civil rights, and Marshall Rosenberg, also of Atlanta, who directs the global Center for Non-Violent Communication.
"Martin Luther King preached non violence, because he insisted on seeing others as human beings, even those he didn't agree with," Noonoo explained. "That creates a human connection, an idea of equality."
And Rosenberg, who has achieved a global following and has authored dozens of publications, he asks for us to imagine three things:
* Imagine connecting with the human spirit, in each person, in any situation.
* Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's needs to be equally valued.
* Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.
Those three ideals aren't a stretch, Noonoo believes, if every member of society - not just spouses - would focus on practicing non-violent communication each and every day.
A plan of action
Noonoo kicked off his congregation's attention to non-violence with an entire church service in October, focusing on domestic violence in his sermon, prayer of confession, hymns, and by including area agency representatives in the morning's activities.
The Presbyterian Church of the USA has been active in providing resources, research, and publications to member churches across the country, as has the FaithTrust Institute, an international, multi-faith organization working with faith communities to provide them with tools and knowledge necessary to address the religious and cultural issues related to abuse.
Noonoo's plans are to take it to the next level locally by start multi-week, non-violent communication workshops for adults and possibly young adults - something he did in his previous appointment with his Ohio congregation- that will be held at Pittsburg Presbyterian Church and among area businesses interested in participating.
The content of his workshops is based on what he learned from Roseberg during intensive training in Atlanta, as well as his coursework in seminary and in reading many of Rosenberg's publications.
Four steps
Rosenberg has broken non-violent communication down into four steps, Noonoo explained. The trick is that in order to be successful at it, the steps require some vulnerability and a lot of hard work.
"We have a tendency to go fast in this culture, to do something quickly so that it is done, because we don't have time. Much of how parents react to children, in terms of behavior or discipline, is for that very reason. This approach requires slowing the whole process down, asking questions, relating better with yourself, feeling comfortable in your own skin first before you attempt to communicate to others," he said.
Verbalize your observation
"This is the hardest to do, the ability to simply state what you have observed, using a neutral tone of voice, just the facts, in what I call a 'Kodak moment' of what has happened," Noonoo said. "Don't use words like 'you always do that,' because then the other person will remember one time, back in 1977, when he didn't do that, and will begin to get defensive or argue. Simply refer to the moment at hand."
Express what you're feeling
"Use specific words to express this," Noonoo said. "If your child comes home late, don't use the word mad. Because you're not mad, really. You're either frightened for their safety, or you're feeling disappointed that they didn't respect your authority, or you feel they betrayed your trust."
(Noonoo has a two-page listing of about 75 specific words that can be used, including "exhausted" and "numb.")
Make your needs known
"Feelings always lead to needs. They are either being met or not being met," he said. "But when you express your needs, don't be accusatory that they aren't being met, because it's possible the other person didn't know what those needs are, or couldn't relate them to his or her own life."
Make your request
"This seems easy, because it's where you ask for something," Noonoo said. "But the key is to ask the other person to clarify your request - ask them to paraphrase what they heard you say, so you can reaffirm and make a connection."
Of the four steps, Noonoo said most people, even with the best of intentions, follow only the first and the fourth, and even then don't do those well.
"When we communicate, we usually tell the other person what we see, but we aren't neutral about it, and we tell them what we want, but we don't make sure they're clear on that," he said. "The middle two parts are the most important in terms of how a situation turns out.
Before communicating to someone else, you have to know what you're feeling, express it, know what your needs are, and express them."
Andra Bryan Stefanoni is a staff writer and can be reached at andra.stefanoni@morningsun.net
THE MORNING SUN
There are four steps every person can take to improve relationships with others, the Rev. K.O. Noonoo, Pittsburg Presbyterian Church, said. But typically we are doing only two of them.
And because of that, our relationships tend to include elements of violence, in ways both big and small, obvious and not so obvious.
The misconception of violence, Noonoo said, is that it is entirely physical - a husband coming home after a bad day, drinking, and hitting his wife, for example.
"It can be as simple as the tone of your voice when talking with another person, or the labels you choose to use when talking about that person," he said. "That's what it begins with, and then it can escalate."
Likewise, another misconception of violence is that it is between spouses.
"It could be a parent to child, or co-worker to co-worker, or neighbor to neighbor - any relationship," Noonoo said.
It all begins with communication - specifically, non-violent communication.
What is non-violent communication?
It includes words that are alienating to the person we're communicating with, including words that imply wrongness, words that label others, words that minimize choice and respect for other's autonomy, words that deny one's responsibility for actions taken, and words associated with the concept that certain actions merit reward/punishment (i.e. she "deserves.").
"Non-violent communication has to do with things that are at the very core of all of our relationships, both interpersonal and intrapersonal," Noonoo said. "Perhaps violence in relationships begins because we are more violent to ourselves, beating ourselves up mentally and emotionally, and then that spreads and is projected to others in the way we communicate."
Non-violent communication and its benefits to personal relationships and society as a whole is something Noonoo is making a mission to bring attention to among his congregation and the community, particularly as it relates to domestic violence.
He draws his inspiration from the Rev. Martin Luther King, who preached non-violent resistance as a means of achieving civil rights, and Marshall Rosenberg, also of Atlanta, who directs the global Center for Non-Violent Communication.
"Martin Luther King preached non violence, because he insisted on seeing others as human beings, even those he didn't agree with," Noonoo explained. "That creates a human connection, an idea of equality."
And Rosenberg, who has achieved a global following and has authored dozens of publications, he asks for us to imagine three things:
* Imagine connecting with the human spirit, in each person, in any situation.
* Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's needs to be equally valued.
* Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.
Those three ideals aren't a stretch, Noonoo believes, if every member of society - not just spouses - would focus on practicing non-violent communication each and every day.
A plan of action
Noonoo kicked off his congregation's attention to non-violence with an entire church service in October, focusing on domestic violence in his sermon, prayer of confession, hymns, and by including area agency representatives in the morning's activities.
The Presbyterian Church of the USA has been active in providing resources, research, and publications to member churches across the country, as has the FaithTrust Institute, an international, multi-faith organization working with faith communities to provide them with tools and knowledge necessary to address the religious and cultural issues related to abuse.
Noonoo's plans are to take it to the next level locally by start multi-week, non-violent communication workshops for adults and possibly young adults - something he did in his previous appointment with his Ohio congregation- that will be held at Pittsburg Presbyterian Church and among area businesses interested in participating.
The content of his workshops is based on what he learned from Roseberg during intensive training in Atlanta, as well as his coursework in seminary and in reading many of Rosenberg's publications.
Four steps
Rosenberg has broken non-violent communication down into four steps, Noonoo explained. The trick is that in order to be successful at it, the steps require some vulnerability and a lot of hard work.
"We have a tendency to go fast in this culture, to do something quickly so that it is done, because we don't have time. Much of how parents react to children, in terms of behavior or discipline, is for that very reason. This approach requires slowing the whole process down, asking questions, relating better with yourself, feeling comfortable in your own skin first before you attempt to communicate to others," he said.
Verbalize your observation
"This is the hardest to do, the ability to simply state what you have observed, using a neutral tone of voice, just the facts, in what I call a 'Kodak moment' of what has happened," Noonoo said. "Don't use words like 'you always do that,' because then the other person will remember one time, back in 1977, when he didn't do that, and will begin to get defensive or argue. Simply refer to the moment at hand."
Express what you're feeling
"Use specific words to express this," Noonoo said. "If your child comes home late, don't use the word mad. Because you're not mad, really. You're either frightened for their safety, or you're feeling disappointed that they didn't respect your authority, or you feel they betrayed your trust."
(Noonoo has a two-page listing of about 75 specific words that can be used, including "exhausted" and "numb.")
Make your needs known
"Feelings always lead to needs. They are either being met or not being met," he said. "But when you express your needs, don't be accusatory that they aren't being met, because it's possible the other person didn't know what those needs are, or couldn't relate them to his or her own life."
Make your request
"This seems easy, because it's where you ask for something," Noonoo said. "But the key is to ask the other person to clarify your request - ask them to paraphrase what they heard you say, so you can reaffirm and make a connection."
Of the four steps, Noonoo said most people, even with the best of intentions, follow only the first and the fourth, and even then don't do those well.
"When we communicate, we usually tell the other person what we see, but we aren't neutral about it, and we tell them what we want, but we don't make sure they're clear on that," he said. "The middle two parts are the most important in terms of how a situation turns out.
Before communicating to someone else, you have to know what you're feeling, express it, know what your needs are, and express them."
Andra Bryan Stefanoni is a staff writer and can be reached at andra.stefanoni@morningsun.net
posted by Pitt Pres at
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