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Pitt Pres: January 2007
Nonviolent Communication Workshop
 Pitt Pres will be hosting a Nonviolent Communication Workshop titled "Making Life More Wonderful" on Wednesday, February 7, 2007 from 5:45 to 7:30 p.m. This workshop is free and includes a meal (a free-will offering will be collected). The presenter will be Rev. K.O. Noonoo. The community is invited to attend. To RSVP or for additional information, call 231-2920.
Local pastor focuses attention on four steps everyone can take
By Andra Bryan Stefanoni
THE MORNING SUN
There are four steps every person can take to improve relationships with others, the Rev. K.O. Noonoo, Pittsburg Presbyterian Church, said. But typically we are doing only two of them.
And because of that, our relationships tend to include elements of violence, in ways both big and small, obvious and not so obvious.
The misconception of violence, Noonoo said, is that it is entirely physical - a husband coming home after a bad day, drinking, and hitting his wife, for example.
"It can be as simple as the tone of your voice when talking with another person, or the labels you choose to use when talking about that person," he said. "That's what it begins with, and then it can escalate."
Likewise, another misconception of violence is that it is between spouses.
"It could be a parent to child, or co-worker to co-worker, or neighbor to neighbor - any relationship," Noonoo said.
It all begins with communication - specifically, non-violent communication.
What is non-violent communication?
It includes words that are alienating to the person we're communicating with, including words that imply wrongness, words that label others, words that minimize choice and respect for other's autonomy, words that deny one's responsibility for actions taken, and words associated with the concept that certain actions merit reward/punishment (i.e. she "deserves.").
"Non-violent communication has to do with things that are at the very core of all of our relationships, both interpersonal and intrapersonal," Noonoo said. "Perhaps violence in relationships begins because we are more violent to ourselves, beating ourselves up mentally and emotionally, and then that spreads and is projected to others in the way we communicate."
Non-violent communication and its benefits to personal relationships and society as a whole is something Noonoo is making a mission to bring attention to among his congregation and the community, particularly as it relates to domestic violence.
He draws his inspiration from the Rev. Martin Luther King, who preached non-violent resistance as a means of achieving civil rights, and Marshall Rosenberg, also of Atlanta, who directs the global Center for Non-Violent Communication.
"Martin Luther King preached non violence, because he insisted on seeing others as human beings, even those he didn't agree with," Noonoo explained. "That creates a human connection, an idea of equality."
And Rosenberg, who has achieved a global following and has authored dozens of publications, he asks for us to imagine three things:
* Imagine connecting with the human spirit, in each person, in any situation.
* Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's needs to be equally valued.
* Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.
Those three ideals aren't a stretch, Noonoo believes, if every member of society - not just spouses - would focus on practicing non-violent communication each and every day.
A plan of action
Noonoo kicked off his congregation's attention to non-violence with an entire church service in October, focusing on domestic violence in his sermon, prayer of confession, hymns, and by including area agency representatives in the morning's activities.
The Presbyterian Church of the USA has been active in providing resources, research, and publications to member churches across the country, as has the FaithTrust Institute, an international, multi-faith organization working with faith communities to provide them with tools and knowledge necessary to address the religious and cultural issues related to abuse.
Noonoo's plans are to take it to the next level locally by start multi-week, non-violent communication workshops for adults and possibly young adults - something he did in his previous appointment with his Ohio congregation- that will be held at Pittsburg Presbyterian Church and among area businesses interested in participating.
The content of his workshops is based on what he learned from Roseberg during intensive training in Atlanta, as well as his coursework in seminary and in reading many of Rosenberg's publications.
Four steps
Rosenberg has broken non-violent communication down into four steps, Noonoo explained. The trick is that in order to be successful at it, the steps require some vulnerability and a lot of hard work.
"We have a tendency to go fast in this culture, to do something quickly so that it is done, because we don't have time. Much of how parents react to children, in terms of behavior or discipline, is for that very reason. This approach requires slowing the whole process down, asking questions, relating better with yourself, feeling comfortable in your own skin first before you attempt to communicate to others," he said.
Verbalize your observation
"This is the hardest to do, the ability to simply state what you have observed, using a neutral tone of voice, just the facts, in what I call a 'Kodak moment' of what has happened," Noonoo said. "Don't use words like 'you always do that,' because then the other person will remember one time, back in 1977, when he didn't do that, and will begin to get defensive or argue. Simply refer to the moment at hand."
Express what you're feeling
"Use specific words to express this," Noonoo said. "If your child comes home late, don't use the word mad. Because you're not mad, really. You're either frightened for their safety, or you're feeling disappointed that they didn't respect your authority, or you feel they betrayed your trust."
(Noonoo has a two-page listing of about 75 specific words that can be used, including "exhausted" and "numb.")
Make your needs known
"Feelings always lead to needs. They are either being met or not being met," he said. "But when you express your needs, don't be accusatory that they aren't being met, because it's possible the other person didn't know what those needs are, or couldn't relate them to his or her own life."
Make your request
"This seems easy, because it's where you ask for something," Noonoo said. "But the key is to ask the other person to clarify your request - ask them to paraphrase what they heard you say, so you can reaffirm and make a connection."
Of the four steps, Noonoo said most people, even with the best of intentions, follow only the first and the fourth, and even then don't do those well.
"When we communicate, we usually tell the other person what we see, but we aren't neutral about it, and we tell them what we want, but we don't make sure they're clear on that," he said. "The middle two parts are the most important in terms of how a situation turns out.
Before communicating to someone else, you have to know what you're feeling, express it, know what your needs are, and express them."
Andra Bryan Stefanoni is a staff writer and can be reached at andra.stefanoni@morningsun.net
Domestic violence: The end begins with community awareness
By Andra Bryan Stefanoni
THE MORNING SUN
The reasons it occurs are varied, the reasons people allow it are just as varied, and the statistics pertaining to it could easily fill a sheet from a pad of yellow legal paper.
It is an ambitious task to take on, the task of ending domestic violence.
But the Rev. K.O. Noonoo, Pittsburg Presbyterian Church, has started down the road, step by step, in an attempt to lessen the impact felt in this community.
It is his desire that others in southeast Kansas come forward and join him.
According to FaithTrust Institute, domestic violence refers to a pattern of violent and coercive behavior exercised by one adult in an intimate relationship over another. It may consist of angry words, threats, or control, or repeated severe beatings and in many cases, death.
By the end of this day, at least three American women will have been murdered by their husbands or boyfriends, reports the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.
In fact, their statistics show that domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women in the U.S. - exceeding the number of injuries from auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. It crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, age and racial lines in equal proportions; there is no "typical" victim.
It is Noonoo's hope that, by teaching young people and adults in his congregation and the community to resolve conflict through non-violent communication, and by working on the four-step process of non-violent communication proposed by Marshall Rosenberg (see yesterday's Morning Sun), he'll make some kind of dent in the statistics.
"Violent language can be introduced to relationships in very small ways, but then a person can become resentful, the situation is magnified, a marriage or relationship is negatively impacted, and sometimes even actual physical violence can occur," Noonoo explained.
What others are doing
In recent years, several other area organizations have formed in hopes of making a dent, as well. Among them, Mt. Carmel Medical Center's Crossroads Counseling Center and the Office of Violence Response and Prevention at Pittsburg State University.
The former of the two is equipped with staff experienced in working with all ages and backgrounds for behavioral health problems that can play a role in domestic violence. The staff includes psychiatrists, psychologists, clinicians, registered nurses, social workers, and other professionals.
The latter of the two seeks to make a difference at a time during which many lifelong relationships, including marriage, begin: at college.
Two of the PSU office's programs actively seek to prevent violence: Men Against Violence, an all-male group devoted to raising awareness on the issues of gender-based violence, and Students Against Violence Through Education, created as an all-female group devoted to raising awareness through education and modeling appropriate behavior.
All members are required to complete a 3-credit hour course and an all-day training. To date, they have presented to more than 3,000 people an interactive program that demonstrates several violence-related messages.
In addition, the Southeast Kansas DELTA Project, funded by the Center for Disease Control, is one of five statewide groups participating in the national five-year project that seeks to understand how domestic violence can be prevented.
According to DELTA project leaders, it takes a community to effectively end sexual and domestic violence.
"Since our knowledge, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are shaped by influences at multiple levels of the social ecology, it requires a community-level response to end sexual and domestic violence. Delivering multiple messages at multiple levels over time creates change. The more parts of the community that provide prevention messages, the more likely it is that change will occur," the organization's literature states.
What you can do
1. Talk to youth about healthy relationships and model the behavior you want them to adopt.
2. Speak up when others make sexist comments or engage in victim blaming.
3. Contact your legislators to encourage them to support intervention and prevention services.
4. Become involved in prevention and intervention efforts in your community.
5. Encourage your employer to offer training on sexual and domestic violence in the workplace.
6. Approach your faith leader about starting a sexual and domestic violence program within your faith community.
7. Educate young people to be informed consumers of the mass media so they can recognize negative messages about relationships.
8. Let businesses know when they offend you with sexist promotions and advertising campaigns.
9. Offer support to persons you believe may be experiencing domestic or sexual violence.
10. Work with community officials to encourage them to adopt sexual and domestic violence prevention programs in your community.
If you or someone you know is in danger, call 911. For advocacy, counseling, and referral, contact the Kansas Statewide Hotline 1-888-END-ABUSE, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE. An advocate will speak with you about your situation, your safety, and the options available. All conversations with advocates at these resources are strictly confidential.
Tomorrow: This series continues with anecdotes and tips for readers pertaining to non-violent communication in domestic relationships.
Andra Bryan Stefanoni is a staff writer and can be reached at andra.stefanoni@morningsun.net
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